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Reality check

Today all this change seemed to hit me!

Being here is amazing, and I’ve been having lots of fun exploring and playing, but it’s also so VERY different to the life I’ve known up until now!  All this space, all these smells, so many things to explore and new things to learn!

The other day, Robyn went out and was gone for what felt like ages!  The whole energy felt different without her here which somehow made everything feel strange and ‘new’ again.

I suddenly felt like everything was moving too fast and running away with me!  Is this new life real?  Is it going to last?  Or will it all come crashing down? 

My head was spinning and many of my old fears and concerns came back in full force!  It made me anxious and jumpy and I made some mistakes, like snapping at Tim.  I felt really bad about that, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.  I felt really off balance!  Tim’s energy then changed around me, and I felt really worried that I might have ruined things and I would be sent away…

Then Robyn came back!  I was happy to see her, but feeling unsure with the shift in the atmosphere, so I didn’t run straight out to meet her as I usually would, waiting to get an idea of how she might respond to me…  But it was ok.  She seemed the same as usual, so I gave her a – somewhat subdued – welcome.

She and Tim talked – I’m sure they were talking about me and what I’d done earlier in the day.  It made me nervous so I kept to myself for a while. 

In the evening, when they were both sitting in the living room, I went upstairs.  I needed time to myself.  Some space to process all this change and all that I was feeling – so many things all spinning around in my body!

Tim came up to see me a couple of times.  He asked me if I was ok, but I had no answer for him…  I feel overwhelmed and unsettled and I don’t know what to do.  I feel alone, but at the same time scared to reach out and connect – scared that I’ll get it wrong; scared to trust that these last few days are real and could last… 

It’s exhausting!  All this worrying and needing to keep checking that Robyn and Tim are still there, and that they still like me… Wondering again if things will be ok…

Robyn asked if she could share something at this point – something that she saw recently and was telling Tim about which might help them to understand why my responses to things might change, meaning that one day I’m able to accept something which I then find difficult again the next day.

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