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Saying goodbye – adjusting to being without her

Everywhere I turn there are memories of her, and I keep finding more bits of ‘kitty paraphernalia’ – who knew one small cat could have so many things?!  They include: her taurine supplement, blankets, assorted toys that keep turning up in random places around the house, food and treats, cat flap and step, and the cone of shame she had to wear when she had an abscess.   

Part of me keeps forgetting that she’s gone, and my heart skips every time I catch sight of a dark object out of the corner of my eye, or hear a noise upstairs, thinking it might be her.  It’s also taking me time to adjust to coming home, going upstairs or out to the cabin without thinking that she might be there.  When I wash up, I keep thinking I should wash her food bowls or refresh her water, before realising that I don’t need to do that any more. 

On the other hand, my mind sometimes swings to thoughts like, Well, at least I don’t have to tidy out the litter tray and sweep up, after her overenthusiastic digging has showered the bathroom floor with litter, or worry about her interrupting a Zoom session by walking across my keyboard, and then I feel guilty that I could be so disloyal!  But I know it’s just my mind trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone – and that I would actually gladly accept these things if it meant having her back.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of different feelings: sadness, loneliness, emptiness, exhaustion, and apathy, sprinkled with moments of happy memories, laughter and gratitude.  I know it’s going to take time, and sometimes it seems like too much effort, but then there will be a brief lifting of my spirit, encouraging me to keep going and to trust that better days are ahead.  One example of this is a little robin who comes each morning looking for breakfast.  Every day he comes a bit closer and looks me right in the eye as if challenging me with his courage and his vibrant nature, despite his small stature!  Yesterday a friend mentioned the term ‘grief guardian’ which I’d never heard before, but which seemed so apt for this new little friend.

the robin enjoying his breakfast

Tomorrow I’ll share some of the things I’ve learnt from this experience.

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